


Kamikaze

by HuldraAsalia



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fights, M/M, Mind Games, Mind Rape, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 07:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12294210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuldraAsalia/pseuds/HuldraAsalia
Summary: What if William did read the messages Nikolai sendt to Noora?





	Kamikaze

May 16th 2016

William wakes up on Noora’s bed. She’s now sleeping peacefully beside him, her face relaxed. When William looks around, Noora’s MacBook, open on the cupboard, catches his attention. The article. Noora was writing this “fucking important” article. The one she said had made her to collapse mentally to this crying mess. Maybe it’s nearly finished really, and she’s just being a perfectionist and not able to send it in? So William could with one click save her ass. William wants so bad to do something to take away Noora’s pain. He’s worrier really, though he’s giving Noora this air of this being “no biggie”. Just anxiety. 

Amalie was just a kid when she was like this, 6 or 7 years, crying under her duvet. And William, just a kid too, would lock the door and hug her there, under the sweaty duvet, until they both fall asleep. After Amalie died, it was mum. She was mostly drunk or on pills, but because of Amalie William could recognise the panic she was hiding. And he would cuddle on her lap, whisper in to her ear “mum, I love you”. And she would give this small sight, and caress his hair. But with time, mum just got more drunk and less there, and William stopped whispering his I love you. 

He has seen this all before. He can tell Noora that she’s not dying, it’s just anxiety. Noora needs to relax, and William, he was able to keep the peacefulness in his own body and bring Noora with him. But what made Noora feel like this? The article? William is hit by his own memories now that Noora is not watching him, relying on him.   
That time, when he woke up in crashed car smelling blood and his ears summing. Amalie was screaming, a horrible, horrible scream, which will probably never get out of William. But then Amalie stopped screaming, and just looked William with those beautiful almond eyes. “William, I think I’m dying now. That’s good, then I don’t need to be afraid anymore. It’ll stop hurting.”

William has to do something for Noora. He couldn’t save Amalie. Or mum. Maybe this time he can prove to be worth loving? So, William opens the MacBook. Unfortunately, Noora was telling the truth. She hasn’t written much at all. Only some unorganised thoughts. William is still able see where she was heading. It’s a national day speech, William knows the style. And it’s Noora’s humanistic peace and love approach. The emigrants. The Norwegian constitution. Norway is changing. The youth of today. Social media and blah blah blah. Yeah, he gets it. In Noora’s Hotmail, he easily finds the mail from her teacher, with the mail address for the journalist. William gets to work. He pretty easily composes a piece where Noora’s thoughts are logically connected, and adds his own message to Noora: people need people, look for the similarities, look for understanding, let people show, what they have to offer. 

When William is nearly finished, Noora’s messenger starts pinging like crazy. What if it wasn’t about the article? Has something happened to Noora? And William clicks the messenger open, he has to know.

IT’S NIKOLAI! Where are you, Noooooraa? 

William takes one last look at the article, and sends it away with shaking hands. Then he reads the messages.

Noora asking Nikolai what happened on Friday. The Friday she called William six times and then said it was just a wrong number… Nikolai first says it was just a party. And then all that horrible stuff. And the picture of a naked Noora. William can’t help but admire how sweat and lovely Noora looks like. Then feels so disgusted by himself, looking at Noora like this, when she doesn’t want to be looked. Nikolai took a picture of Noora! That’s wrong in so many ways. How could Noora even pass out? Noora, who never wanted anything to drink. This is exactly the kind of thing William was expecting from Nikolai. And then again, he could never have imagine, THIS. How the hell did Noora end up partying with Nikolai? William is so mad at himself for not preventing this. He should’ve told Noora about all this shit, right away. He should’ve made her to believe, to understand, so she could protect herself. He shouldn’t have been so bold to think that he alone could keep Noora safe. Noora didn’t want to be protected. He should’ve listened.   
William leaves the room, his face white as a ghost.

\- Eskild! I need to take care of something. Can you keep an eye on Noora this evening?  
\- Yeah of course. How’s she doing?  
\- Noora is sleeping now. She’s having anxiety. She shouldn’t be alone when she wakes up…  
\- No problem. I’ll force her to watch Paradise…  
\- Good, thanks. I’ll try to come back soon. Noora should get to 17th May breakfast at Eva’s tomorrow. If I can’t make it, try to get her there. Or… Just don’t leave her alone, no matter what, ok?  
\- Ok? What’s up, William?  
\- Just promise you won’t leave her alone!  
\- I won’t. Take care, man. 

From the car, William calls to Chris.   
\- William! Where the hell have you been? This party is awesome. You coming here now?  
\- Well, actually Chris I need your help. I’ll pick you up in ten.  
\- No, no, no William. Let her pine. A couple days more will just make her easier to work with. It’s fucking russetid, William! Get your ass here right now!  
\- I’ll pick you up, bro…

When they climb the stairs at Vika, Chris has understood that William needs him now. He’s solidly drunken, and still a bit bitter over the interrupted party. But bros back up each other when needed. Chris can’t really get why William needs to talk to Nikolai right this moment, nor what’s his part in it. It’s been this horror balance between the Magnusson brothers forever. Why to clean the air or whatever William is planning to do exactly now? Must be something Noora related… William is completely crazy about that chick, and Chris doesn’t think it suites him at all. For Chris, being a fuckboy has always been an honour. Anyway, Chris would never leave his bro alone, so here they go. 

It’s a relief that Nikolai is at home. He’s having a party, which was to be expected, so William just needs to get these people out of way.

\- Little brother! And Chris! Nikolai greats them smiling from ear to ear.  
\- What brings you here in the middle of your beloved russe party? And your loyal friend with puppy eyes follows…  
\- I need to talk to you, Nikolai. Just get these people out of here!

William has his aggressive stone face on. Chris is trying to back him up and flirt with an unusually hot second grader at the same time. Nikolai tries still to keep on his smile, but he starts to get unsecure on what’s going on whit this angry and serious brother of his… Mari comes to hug William.

\- Do you often party here, Mari?  
\- I’ve been here a couple of times now that Nikolai’s been to Oslo. He throws the wildest parties, you know. And the free boos.   
\- Where you here a couple of weeks ago?  
\- You mean, when Noora came here? Yeah, I was. William, I can assure you, there’s nothing to worry. She was just very drunk, Nikolai didn’t do anything to her. Really, he was way too drunk, too…  
\- That’s at least something… But Nikolai did plenty, believe me…  
\- Uff da. Just one more thing. Noora is SO in love with you, just remember that. If she hasn’t told you…  
\- Thanks! William gives her a smile and a hug.  
\- Now, get your friends the hell out of here. If you want to, go to the Penetrator buss. Just say I send you there. 

Mari and Chris empty the apartment while William stares Nikolai in to a corner.   
\- I saw the picture, Nikolai! Why the hell would you take a nude of Noora??  
\- Little brother is in looove! Well, she might not be such a prude you think…  
\- Nikolai!

\- William, I thought you were also a fuckboy! Can’t you even keep one lady satisfied? That little slut comes here so horny… She was absolutely lovely. Jæææævlig deilig! I can see why you want her, but you better hurry up brother! Just a friendly advise.  
\- Nikolai!!!

William feels Chris’ calming hand on his shoulder. This is definitely one of the craziest of the Magnusson brothers acts Chris has witnessed. He knows William, and can easily see, that he’s in the fighting mode now. Chris needs to get William out of here in one piece. But William is not finished…

\- Why do you hurt Noora like that? Don’t you understand how shitty she’s feeling now?  
\- Why did she needed to be such a slut? If she’s feeling bad now, maybe she should stop throwing her clothes off at parties?

Unsurprisingly, William hits Nikolai first time now. Just a heavy push on his chest, to show the strength. Chris is between the brothers, returning William to a somewhat safe distance. Nikolai is still grinning, not trying to fight back. Not with his fists anyway.

\- You can hit me all you want, William. Didn’t make mum love you more, did it? Oh, how she wished you had died instead of Amalie. You’re such a serious kill joy, who could take that without some white wine? 

William flies out of Chris’ grip. They can hear the crack of Nikolai’s nose, and there’s plenty of blood. William hits a couple of times, until Chris gets him dragged away, and out of the apartment. Nikolai is laying on the floor. 

Chris leads a now pretty apathetic William out to the street. They head to the Kiwi market around the corner. Chris helps William to sit on the pavement, leaning to the shop wall, and hurries inside. In there Chris takes a quick call to 113, and tells them to go take a look on Nikolai. He right away hangs up. He can’t leave Nikolai to die, but he really doesn’t want to be asked who did this to Nikolai either… Chris buys wet wipes, Band-Aids, chocolate buns, a couple of beers and cokes… Outside William is exactly at the same spot where Chris left him. His face white and emotionless. Chris takes the wet wipes and starts cleaning the blood. William’s silence scares Chris. He’s known how mean Nikolai often is to William. The things he now said were unbearable. Chris has understood that William really cares about Noora. William cares about his sister, and probably cares about his mother much more than he wants to admit. Hearing all that stuff must have been horrible. 

\- Bro, you have to let it go! He’s just a pile of shit, man. You can surely work things out with Noora. Remember what Mari said?  
\- Why does he always want to hurt people? Why does he hurt the people I love? So they get crashed and run away from me? I never told anybody. Amalie, she was just 8, and she was happy to die! Just to get away from Nikolai. I thought it was unfair I had to stay alive. Mum chose wine instead of me. And now Noora is having a fucking panic attack…  
\- Nikolai is a dickhead… He’s sick, bro. You know it, I know it. No need to try to understand. 

Chris doesn’t do the feelings. Not his thing. This is a lot coming from him. He should probably now tell William, how much he loves him. But he never will. And then William starts crying. Silently, tears running down his face. It breaks Chris’ heart. His best friend, all this pain he’s always carrying. Most of their time together Chris and William just use for crazy shit. But Chris has always known of this side of William. Guessed that this probably has a lot to do with the seriousness and loyalty of his bro. Chris is crying too. He hugs William. Feeling his body close to himself, there’s warmth and trust and maybe a better future ahead. Chris loves William, and doesn’t want this closeness ever to end. William is also hugging him now, his strong arms squeezing him closer. Their cheeks caress each other, and Chris can feel the sharpness of not too newly shaved William. And then their lips meet. It’s so good. They want to forget everything, and just eat each other out. They can taste the salty tears, and it makes the tears to stop running. They are The Penetrators, they can the kissing. This is where they find comfort. Not the first time either. Might be the first time in bright daylight. But two russe boys on 16th May… Nobody would look twice.

When William pulls Chris off, they burst to laughter both of them.   
\- It’s not this you want, William… Let’s have a beer. And buns! I have thought of everything!  
\- No. No beer. I need to drive the car back to Noora’s.  
\- William, really. You’re not very stable now, and you told Noora’s panicking. Just take a bit time to collect yourself. Let somebody else take care of Noora. I’ll call Eva.   
\- Yeah, Eskild promised to be with Noora…  
\- That’s it then, we leave Eva and Eskild to it! We’ll just drink and party and have fun. The parade tomorrow, and then you need to have a good night sleep. And then you talk to Noora.  
\- That might actually be a good plan, Chris.  
\- But no hooking. Then you’ll only feel worse.  
\- Well, I already hooked.  
\- That can’t count?

May 18th

At noon, Chris wakes William up. They have been sleeping in Chris’ bed.  
\- Good morning sunshine! The girls are still at Eva’s. Let’s get our asses there. I’m keen to shag Eva, this May 17th parade was a catastrophe. No sex at all. I guess you should take the talk with your lady.   
\- I guess…

The girls are skipping their classes, and are enjoying a brunch in the garden when the boys come. Vilde, Sana and the girl Chris make themselves busy to leave, and Eva and Penetrator Chris vanish inside. Leaving Noora and William alone in the garden. 

\- Hei, Noora.  
\- Hei.   
\- How are you feeling? You look better.  
\- I’m fine. Thanks for helping me to sleep.  
\- Did you like the article? Are you angry when I wrote it in your name?  
\- William, it was a fantastic article. I’m so impressed. Yes, I liked it. Thank you! No, I’m not angry. All the beautiful things you said… She’s smiling.   
\- I did more than that, Noora. I saw the messages from Nikolai. I was so worried about you! Whit a good reason.   
\- Oh!  
\- Yeah, I saw the picture, but I know he didn’t do anything to you. Nikolai is just playing with your mind. He’ll never tell you that nothing happened.   
\- How do you know then?  
\- Mari told me, she was at the party too.  
\- You talked to Mari?  
\- She’s a good friend. Maybe Mari could tell you what happened at Nikolai’s? I’ll ask her to talk to you!  
\- William I must ask you, have you slept with her?  
\- With Mari, no! She’s like a sister to me. We met in the kindergarten. That’s why she knows Nikolai, too.   
\- I told to the girls yesterday, that I thought Nikolai had raped me. They took me to a doctor, and she told me that I can report Nikolai to the police for child porn. So you don’t have to kill him, for being mean to me.  
\- Well I beat Nikolai quite bad the other day… But it would be good if you reported him too. I’m not gonna have anything to do with him ever. It’s so screwed. He didn’t rape you, he just wants you to think, that he did. And why did he do that, he wanted you to really hurt – so that I would hurt because you’re hurting because of me… Noora, I already told you, I love you. Nikolai has understood it now somehow, that’s why he does this.  
\- William, I love you too. 

A kiss. William looks at Noora, she's smiling a tired smile. They are both so tired of all these emotions.  
\- One more thing, Noora. I kissed Chris.  
\- Christina? Why?? And when?  
\- Christina? Oh, you mean your friend Chris Berg? No, no, no! I kissed my friend Chris Schistad.  
\- Penetrator Chris? Well, he would hook with anybody, like I just told to Eva a while ago. Noora is laughing.  
\- I’m not gay or bi or anything. It’s just. Chris was with me when I fought with Nikolai. He heard every piece of shit. And afterwards I totally lost my game. And we don’t, we don’t speak about feeling. So we started to hug, and one thing lead to another, and felt so good. But it’s like. I’m not gonna do it again.   
\- Ok. It’s funny though. The secret life of the penetrators…


End file.
